Sometime at the end of June….
DEVASTATION and FAITH
I chose that title on June 26, 2010 a few days after I found out my grandmother had cancer. I cannot remember the exact date I found out. I thought that date would be imbedded in my mind like when the planes crashed into the Twin Towers. I was pregnant on September 11, 2010, laying on the couch at my parent’s house sleeping when my mom woke me by telling me planes had crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. I remember being so scared and confused. I remember watching TV for hours just trying to learn about what happened. I was constantly worrying that something else was going to happen. I would think about the poor people and families involved. Finding out my grandmother (Nanny) had cancer was that devastating. I was at work waiting for my mom to tell me what the doctors learned after removing the knots from Nanny’s breast and neck. I really did not think it would be cancer. She had also been complaining about stomach discomfort and not having an appetite. I thought that something that just came with age. I told myself that Nanny was 72, walked 2 miles every day, was in pretty good shape and the most amazing woman I have know, therefore, she cannot be sick. My mom called me at work, just as she was supposed to, and told me “she has cancer.” I told my mom it would be ok, I hung and went into tears. The attorneys I work for all share my printer and each came by my desk to grab papers and noticed me crying. I couldn’t stop. My face was red and I was just crying and crying. The beautiful kind lady that loved me and my family like no other has cancer. CANCER. That was like the day my mom told me the Twin Towers came down. I could not stop Googling and reading about cancer. Researching to try to find answers and somewhere for my Nanny to get help. I worried about my Poppy and family and how they were all going to deal. I thought long and hard about how to tell my son. I was so scared and confused. To me it was like the only other devastating moment in my life… The only difference was, I had God in my heart this time. Someone to come to for help, lay my worries on, and believe in. He has been comforting me through all of this. Faith during devastation is something beautiful. There are so many other times in my life I have tried to deal with things without faith and nothing but worry and stress came out of in. My Nanny also loves God. No matter what happens with all of this, I know God is in it and has a plan. He has had a plan since the day she was born. Since the day all of us were born. God is an amazing! My Nanny’s cancer is in many parts of her body as it spread. Her liver has cancer and that is a result of the cancer spreading. I have learned that cancer almost never starts in the liver. The doctors said that the cancer cannot be cured. Those word cut through me and hurt more than anything ever has. Until that moment, I had really truly never felt real hurt. A week later she was referred to a bigger hospital by my parent’s house where she was given an extra strong dose of chemo to try to shrink the cancer to make her more comfortable. When she found out she has cancer she seemed just like the same old Nan I have known for all my 30 years. She was funny, strong, happy. The first few days after the chemo she seemed even better. Then she began to not eat and get really week. I called to check on her every day. She was staying with my parents, Pop and my aunt. They finally told her that she needed to go to the hospital where she was admitted. She has been there for over a week now. She was really bad at first, pale and frail. Her red and white blood counts were both down, her blood pressure was so low. She looked so sweet and sick. Every day they gave her some new kind of medication. She has slowly gotten better. We pray for a miracle that God will heal her and take the cancer out of her body. Her lungs seem to be her biggest problem right now. She constantly feels like she can’t breathe. She has been a hardcore smoker for more than 50 years. There were many years where she smoked 2 packs a day. She was addicted. When she started smoking, everyone was doing it and there were no warnings about the serious side effect and long term complications. 30 or so years into her smoking the government mentioned that it could cause problems. Cigarettes are a drug, a horrible drug that is advertised as something fun. The cancer my grandma has is a lot to blame on smoking. It breaks my heart that something so wicked is legal. I wish there was some kind of organization I could join against cigarettes. My parents both still smoke and it is heart breaking and scary. I constantly pray that this moment in our life will be a lesson to them and encourage them to STOP now why they can still make a change. My grandma looks a lot better, she can’t walk or be away from oxygen, but she can eat and make jokes. She should come home to my parents tomorrow. We are planning on shaving her head as it is falling out all over the place. I was so worried that the hair falling out would be a big issue with her, but it does not seem to be.
